Sick & Tired!!!

I'm sick and tired of life!!! Someone please end my mental torture!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot stand it no more!!! PLEASE!!! Is life supposed to be this hard for a normal teenager like ME!??!!

I'm wondering what would be of my parents, friends if they have not gave birth to me and met me. I'm really going crazy over life. Life is not as simple as counting 3, 2, 1. It never ends. I wanted to work, but mom and pops does not allow of it. I insisted, but mom asked me not to put her in a dead position. Why? Its because pops does not allow me to work at all, he says he can still afford me, college fund, and allowance. Its not that I'm not contented of what I have already got, a perfect family that can support me through college, great friends, a well equipped home for anything that I need, food, games, a bed, streamyx. It's just that I cannot face myself on what I am doing at all.

Well I'm guessing you guys want to know the whole story huh? Its gonna be a long post. Its about of my own code. Code of conduct or something like that. Well, as anyone of you guys that know me, I don't work eventhough I have hella lot of time on my hands. That is the reason I am going nuts. Lately nothing goes my way. Everything does not side me at all. Its all opposing me. So I don't work, thus my only income would be my allowance given by my father. Its not that its not enough or something, but I really can't stand it when I have no more cash at hand, and I still am going out for a fun day with friends. Here would be the part which I hate the most about my life. If I have no cash and I want to go out. I will have to ask my parents for money. Here is what I hate the most. Because I do not like to open my hands and just ask for cash from my parents. There is a chinese saying for this. *Tan hoi sau lor ngan zi* Something like that. At times even if my mom wants to give me some extra cash I will even reject her, because of the above stated. I really hate it if I were to do such thing.

As a solution I decided to get a job as a waiter at Gasoline Cafe, its located at Metro Prima in the same building with Island a.k.a Chui Chui Sui. Me and Wayne decided to interview together. I told mom this afternoon that I will be getting a job as a waiter. Mom was kinda ok with it. But at night after mom and dad discussed it THROUGHLY they decided not to let me work. Mom told me this, but I still insisted to go. I left without a word more. I know I did something wrong, so I sent mom a sms stating that I'm sorry and that I want to try making my own decision this once. Mom sent back asking me not to do it. Thus, I called mom and spoke on the phone. It was really painful for me, because even this one decision. A small decision like this, will make a big possibility for me and dad not talking to each other anymore. Its really painful for me. Mom kept on persuading me to don't go for it. Mom heard me crying and said that its double the pain for her. But really no one knows how I feel at all. Nobody will understand this feeling. It resembles a rusty blade cutting into my heart with salt snowing on top of it while the blood is being pumped out from the wound. Because I cannot face my own code of conduct.

Thus I said I will think about it. Although mom said that she would allow me to work for 2 weeks since I'm holiday. But mom's solution is really crap. All of it is crap. Maybe coz she's not thinking right. Tears flow down my eyes everytime I think about this matter. After that I called Howe for advices. Although I called Howe, I also know that mom will ask for his help in persuading me. I'm not all that stupid. But he is still like a brother to me. I still thank him although I know mom is also behind it.

Not that my mom is a bad person or anything, of everyone I love at home. Mom is the person I love most. I care most. Cherish most. Because she is the one that looked after me, guided me, treated me when I was sick in bed, backed me up when I wanted to get something from pops. Mom is the best person in this world.

I'm now really sick and tired of life not going my way at ALL. I'm tired, really tired. I'm tired of all these mental torture, I cannot stand it no more. I'm praying that all these shit will end soon. Otherwise I might even go crazy.

Maybe even just give up....of life, hopes, friends, family............